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Wednesday, February 8, 2012

What Not To Eat

Everywhere you look today you see articles saying "eat this, not that." Its easy to get confused with all that information flying around your head, so Carnival Carl is here to help. I've put together a handy guide based on the FDA's Food Pyramid Hat of Ultimate Power and Prosperity to help you identify the things you shouldn't put in your body. Lets get started, shall we?

Rice? Only if you want to up your arsenic levels.

Wheat? Shown to produce strange fatigue, digestive problems and irritable bowel syndrome. Did you hear me? I SAID IRRITABLE BOWELS.

Oats? If you have high blood pressure or you’re diabetic, eating Oatmeal can increase your blood sugar to extremely high and possibly dangerous levels.

Corn? Not if you like having enough Niacin in your body to keep your limbs from falling off on their own. Corn was killing people left and right less than 100 years ago. 


Apples: Apples may actually encourage decay because their sugar content is relatively high, and has been rising in recent years with the introduction of sweeter varieties.

Oranges: Haven't you all heard that vitamin c can cause kidney stones? Well, its a lie. But they can contribute to heartburn with all that acidity, plus, if you are drinking orange juice, its really nothing more than chemically re-flavored, orange dyed sugar water.

Grapes: Pretty much pure sugar. You need to ferment them to get any real benefit from them.

Bananas: THIS SHI* IS BANANAS, B-A-N-A-N-A-N-A-N......well they are even more sugary than apples, oranges OR grapes, plus they make shitty wine. "Potassium" you say? Go throw a chunk of potassium into a kiddie pool and then tell me you want more of that in your body... have a fun explosion, chump.


Whats the worst part about eating vegetables? Trying to hide the wheelchair when you're done!WHARRRGARBLE!!!

Potatoes: Well, if you didn't learn from the first famine, you daft northern twats, I guess you can gear up for another. Pfffft..... Irish. Only people dense enough to eat something that can double as a watch battery.

Tomatoes: Members of the nightshade family. If you're lucky they will just aggravate your arthritis. If you're not they will make your face melt off and fall into your soup. Or so I've been told.

Carrots: If you peel them you are losing all the nutrients. Why? That's where the dirt is, with all its vitamins and minerals...ergo, carrots are less healthy than plain old dirt.

Celery: It takes more energy to eat it than you get out of it.

Corn: Is not a vegetable.

Holy shit, do I even need to waste my breath explaining this one? I tell you what, you can just take my word for it that you should never ever ever ever ever put cow juice in your body,


you can just wander into any health food store, co-op or head shop, look at the first dread lock pile you run into and say "OH MY GOD! I HEARD MILK WILL KILL ME!" and just kick back for an hour or two while you are enlightened. Be sure to take notes when they get to the part about John Wayne having 48 pounds of impacted cheese in his colon, is my favorite part of the story, and I'd love to hear it but I have to finish this gallon of ice cream before it melts.

 I know you know I know we know that meat is the most controversial dietary topic of our generation. And for good reason, too. It is almost ALL UNIVERSALLY POISON.

Lets just skip past the argument on delicious dead critters... that's an argument you can have over on reddit, or some shit. I'm more interested in telling you to not eat nuts and beans. Why not?

Because they contain phytic acid, which humans can't digest AND (BONUS!) inhibits the absorption of proteins and minerals. So the nuts and beans themselves are cock-blocking you from their own nutrients. Ain't that some shit?

Well, who is to stop you from eating a diet of nothing but heavy cream, Little Debbie snack cakes and molasses covered funnel cakes? That kind of decision is exactly why I always vote Libertarian whenever I vote (which is never.) The good news about most of the "fats" and "sugars" in our diet today is that they aren't even real! Modern chemistry is so far advanced that we just munch down on dioxyhydroglicercongulated oxylcetine-43 and don't even care that six months ago it was getting scraped off of the bottom of an A-Rab's sandal. God blessed us with great tasting petroleum, don't make Jesus's death in vain. Eat plastic cleverly disguised as chocolate.

Well, there you go. Proof positive that eating is a zero-sum game. Everything you eat is killing you anyway, so get down with the whiskey, cigarettes and deep fried butter. I know I'm going to, and I'm going to love it.

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