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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

MuMo on VaTu: Love songs for misanthropes.

Its Dio De Valentis or some shit. This is the day in America where we celebrate the snakes being driven out of Ireland by some catholic guy in a baby outfit, I'm fairly certain of that fact. And I think snakes is old catholic code for "weiners" which is why all the hot irish chicks are lesbians.

Yeah, wikipedia backs me up on that today. Cool.

I used to really hate this day, but mostly because I was lonely loser, and I always hated being a lonely loser on Valentines day. Also the fact that I had a good stretch of about 5 years where I got dumped on Valentines, and on year six I though I was going to break my steak but instead I got an STD. Good times, good times.

I don't really hate it so much anymore, though.  I guess setting aside a special day to celebrate love isn't such a bad thing. Its still a loaded commercial holiday, but it could be worse...it could be like Back Friday. Now that's a disgusting corporate orgy of a holiday. But you can get away with celebrating Valentisssssimo day without buying into the like, big corporate machine, man.

Just make your own paper cutouts, go buy some chocolates and melt them into new shapes so it looks like you hand made them, and play these songs. That FEEEEELTHY hipster you've been sleeping with will think you are an ironic Don Juan/Donnatta Jaunita, then you can go drink some locally hand crafted artisan PBR from wine glasses and fuck like bunnies. Enjoy.
-Carnival Carl

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Sunday Art Dump

Note: Listen to my radio show, The Recovery with Baxter Riley and Carnival Carl every Sunday at 10 am. 
Hear it at www.kteq.org or listen with TuneIn app on your phone/ipad/miracle musical electronic duck fart/ whatever.


Make your duck face for me, baby. ooh yeah. just like that. 


You can actually buy these shoes. Word. 

Skullerflies are for Fucktober.





You saw all these guys earlier in the week.


and a quick pic of my progress of the green lantern first appearance... should be done this week.





Wednesday, February 8, 2012

What Not To Eat



Everywhere you look today you see articles saying "eat this, not that." Its easy to get confused with all that information flying around your head, so Carnival Carl is here to help. I've put together a handy guide based on the FDA's Food Pyramid Hat of Ultimate Power and Prosperity to help you identify the things you shouldn't put in your body. Lets get started, shall we?



Rice? Only if you want to up your arsenic levels.

Wheat? Shown to produce strange fatigue, digestive problems and irritable bowel syndrome. Did you hear me? I SAID IRRITABLE BOWELS.

Oats? If you have high blood pressure or you’re diabetic, eating Oatmeal can increase your blood sugar to extremely high and possibly dangerous levels.

Corn? Not if you like having enough Niacin in your body to keep your limbs from falling off on their own. Corn was killing people left and right less than 100 years ago. 

 


Apples: Apples may actually encourage decay because their sugar content is relatively high, and has been rising in recent years with the introduction of sweeter varieties.

Oranges: Haven't you all heard that vitamin c can cause kidney stones? Well, its a lie. But they can contribute to heartburn with all that acidity, plus, if you are drinking orange juice, its really nothing more than chemically re-flavored, orange dyed sugar water.

Grapes: Pretty much pure sugar. You need to ferment them to get any real benefit from them.

Bananas: THIS SHI* IS BANANAS, B-A-N-A-N-A-N-A-N......well they are even more sugary than apples, oranges OR grapes, plus they make shitty wine. "Potassium" you say? Go throw a chunk of potassium into a kiddie pool and then tell me you want more of that in your body... have a fun explosion, chump.

 


Whats the worst part about eating vegetables? Trying to hide the wheelchair when you're done!WHARRRGARBLE!!!

Potatoes: Well, if you didn't learn from the first famine, you daft northern twats, I guess you can gear up for another. Pfffft..... Irish. Only people dense enough to eat something that can double as a watch battery.

Tomatoes: Members of the nightshade family. If you're lucky they will just aggravate your arthritis. If you're not they will make your face melt off and fall into your soup. Or so I've been told.

Carrots: If you peel them you are losing all the nutrients. Why? That's where the dirt is, with all its vitamins and minerals...ergo, carrots are less healthy than plain old dirt.

Celery: It takes more energy to eat it than you get out of it.

Corn: Is not a vegetable.



Holy shit, do I even need to waste my breath explaining this one? I tell you what, you can just take my word for it that you should never ever ever ever ever put cow juice in your body,

OR

you can just wander into any health food store, co-op or head shop, look at the first dread lock pile you run into and say "OH MY GOD! I HEARD MILK WILL KILL ME!" and just kick back for an hour or two while you are enlightened. Be sure to take notes when they get to the part about John Wayne having 48 pounds of impacted cheese in his colon, is my favorite part of the story, and I'd love to hear it but I have to finish this gallon of ice cream before it melts.


Meat.
 I know you know I know we know that meat is the most controversial dietary topic of our generation. And for good reason, too. It is almost ALL UNIVERSALLY POISON.
POISON!!!!


Lets just skip past the argument on delicious dead critters... that's an argument you can have over on reddit, or some shit. I'm more interested in telling you to not eat nuts and beans. Why not?

Because they contain phytic acid, which humans can't digest AND (BONUS!) inhibits the absorption of proteins and minerals. So the nuts and beans themselves are cock-blocking you from their own nutrients. Ain't that some shit?





Well, who is to stop you from eating a diet of nothing but heavy cream, Little Debbie snack cakes and molasses covered funnel cakes? That kind of decision is exactly why I always vote Libertarian whenever I vote (which is never.) The good news about most of the "fats" and "sugars" in our diet today is that they aren't even real! Modern chemistry is so far advanced that we just munch down on dioxyhydroglicercongulated oxylcetine-43 and don't even care that six months ago it was getting scraped off of the bottom of an A-Rab's sandal. God blessed us with great tasting petroleum, don't make Jesus's death in vain. Eat plastic cleverly disguised as chocolate.


Well, there you go. Proof positive that eating is a zero-sum game. Everything you eat is killing you anyway, so get down with the whiskey, cigarettes and deep fried butter. I know I'm going to, and I'm going to love it.





Monday, February 6, 2012

Music Monday

I realized after last week that perhaps dropping an entire album worth of music on one page for Music Monday might be going a little overboard, so this week I've trimmed it down to just seven videos. I'm not sure how to explain my picks this week, so I'm not going to try. If you enjoy taking a long drop into that surrealist bucket, you'll probably appreciate all of this.  Cheers.
-Carnival Carl